Color: gray and whiteEyes: evil
Sex: noisy
Help! Our little friend Zipper has not been heard from in over three weeks, and we here at Yolawriters are worried sick! She could be drunk in the alley behind some sleazy tavern, roadkill on Cesar Chavez Blvd or tonight’s entrée in a Vietnamese restaurant.
No collar, no chip, no neutering. This cat is nobody’s chattel.
Most likely place to find her: In your house at night, on your computer surfing kitty porn.
Beware: She still has all her claws. She chases dogs, eats possums, and has been known to bite small children and dwarfs off at the ankles. Responds well to a good wookie impression.
Posts
If you want to see the cat in one piece again, gather twenty big ones (that's right, $20) in unmarked bills and await instructions. If you want her in two pieces, it's $17.50, or three for $15. If you don't mind multiple pieces you can have her for a buck fifty. (The fewer pieces you want, the more super glue I have to buy.)
ReplyDeleteI think this Psycho dude is yanking our chain. I saw Zip slinking out of the KitKat Klub just last week.
ReplyDeleteI ain't heard the little catamount meowlin' around the Pearly Gates. 'Course, I wouldn't expect to, neither.
ReplyDeleteHaven't seen him in the New Arrivals pit, either.
ReplyDeleteDear Yola,
ReplyDeleteI think we should pay Mr. Psycho's ransom of a buck fifty. I would contribute fifty cents of my allowance if I can hava a foot. I used to have a rabbit's foot, but my dog ate it.
I say it's time we declare her legally dead and get on with the estate sale. Does anyone know if she had a Hummels collection? Beanie Babies?
ReplyDeleteJeez Louise, I know I should be posting something new, but I'm so frazzled from worry about our little Zipper that my word spout is plugged. After two days competing for space a the freeway exit (in 105 degree heat, no less) I've collected 75 cents toward his ransom. If Jessie Lynn is still good for four bits, we're almost there. C'mon, people! Doesn't someone have a quarter?
ReplyDeleteYola Babe: I too have been walking the streets in search of little Zip, making wookie noises at every gray and white pussy I see. (I used to hook up with this wookie I met at the Yukon and he taught me plenty! The wookie impression I just sort of picked up on the side.) Sadly, all I've gotten for it is a lot of hissy fits. Has anyone checked with Animal Control? If you do, could you ask if they have an wookies?
ReplyDeleteShame on you all for jumping to conclusions regarding cute little Zipper. Can't a girl take a month-long snooze once in a while? Perhaps her owners took her on vacation to Tahiti, and, due to the expense of the trip, had to stay in a budget hotel without internet access. Did you ever think of that? There could be any number of other perfectly innocent explanations for her absence. Perhaps, for instance, she killed Michael Jackson and is on the lam. Let's give her the benefit of the doubt.
ReplyDeleteMy attorneys, who monitor this blog, have advised me of the dire situation regarding the cat Zipper. Clearly, she does not enjoy the happy home life she deserves, or she would not act out in such a strange manner. Cyberbrad and I have determined, therefore, to invite her into our ever-growing cyberfamily. May the rest of you rot in hell.
ReplyDeleteDear Yola,
ReplyDeleteUm, golly, was that really Angelina Jolie? I wish she'd adopt me. Anyway, I called the pound, and they haven't seen Zipper. And no, Barbie, they're fresh out of wookies, but that have a lot of ewoks no one seems to want. I'm going to ask Mom if I can have one. I bet Angelia would let me.
Whoa! Hold on, Ange! I let you run wild adopting all those little brown babies because my agent said it was good PR, but no way am I sharing my space with some smart ass feline. I'm warning you, if I see that mangy animal around the house I'm inviting Cyberdrew over to try out his famous Beer-Roasted Cat recipe. And I'm pretty sure he eats kids, too.
ReplyDeleteFollowing the recent report on CNN, I'm pleased to say calls have been pouring in from around the globe to our tip line, 1-800-FINDZIP. Nothing definite yet, but the FBI is compiling leads. One of the unlikliest reports came from Portland, Oregon, of all places, where a cat matching Zipper's description was seen mooching cigarette butts and sips of muscatel from bums on the street.
ReplyDelete